I was able to have Avery’s funeral three months after the desert fiasco where I was able to confirm her death. That was about four months after her mother’s funeral. I hardly remembered Heather’s funeral. It’s like I wasn’t even there. It was unreal. It was just a process of getting her in the ground, no celebration of her life. But it made sense, Avery had been still missing.
Being able to have a proper funeral for Avery was an odd blessing. Thanks to Jacob, I could publically have her funeral without fear of the Church or the Morning Stars. I was also more ready to release it all emotionally. I had started to see a shrink for that last couple of weeks who encourage me to do this.
It was very weird to have a religious funeral. I didn’t know where I wanted her to go. Next to Heather seemed nice, but it didn’t seem right to have her in a religious setting initially. I didn’t say this to my shrink, but I had told her about my lack of grieving and my distrust of the world around me. She helped me see that the funeral was about hope. Hope for peace in death. For me, it’s more about the hope that God is there to catch Heather and Avery. Control over something I can never have control over.
Please God… Catch them. Take them in and give them safety. Amen.